Unfit for Love
by K9GM3
Summary: Some people just aren't meant to be loved.
1. Unaffectionate

Beck is so nice to you. You always saw him as an older brother – at least, what most people's older brother would be like. You do have an older brother, but he's a little weird. Beck isn't weird. He's funny and nice and he never calls you names and when you're sad he's always there to give you a hug. If he weren't with Jade, you might want him as your boyfriend. Actually, you do want him as your boyfriend, but you can't tell anyone, because he's with Jade. You can pretend, though. When he ruffles your hair or smiles at you, you pretend that it's more than it actually is. Whenever he fights with Jade, you imagine yourself swooping in and bringing him happiness. You and Beck would never fight, you're sure of it.

But… sometimes, when you're thinking about Beck, there's a nasty mean voice in your head. It's telling you that it wouldn't work out. And that's when your thoughts stray from happiness and lead to the scenario you've played in your mind so many times…

* * *

"Cat… Cat, sssshhh." You don't like it when he shushes you. But he's your boyfriend and he probably knows what you should do, so you do your best to be quiet and listen to the teacher. It's not fair, though. Why is that teacher the one who gets to talk all the time? You wanted to tell Beck about the dream you had last night, but he wants to listen to Mr. Farrow instead! What's so important about history anyway? It's all set in stone, written down somewhere and unchangeable. Your dreams are different every time. Also, you're pretty sure that if you don't tell Beck about it soon you'll forget what it was about.

Then you have an idea. Mr. Farrow is talking, so you need to be quiet. But you can be a very quiet kisser… A sly smile finds its way to your face. You sneak your way around Beck and kiss him full on the lips. Something's wrong, though… he's not kissing you back. In fact, as soon as he realises what's going on, he pulls away. Everyone's staring at you, too. Mr. Farrow looks angry, which is strange because you're really sure you were quiet. Then he yells at you and sends you to the guidance counsellor.

Later that day, during lunch, Beck doesn't want to kiss you in front of your other friends. He never refused to kiss you before… Even though you know it's silly, you feel tears welling up in your eyes. Beck tries to soothe things over with soft words, which works temporarily, but you still wish he would just kiss you. You need to know that he still finds you attractive, that he still _wants_ to kiss you.

He doesn't kiss you for the rest of the day, either. At least, not when people are around. He only does it at the end of the final period, when everybody has gone home. He says he's sorry, but that it would be rude to your friends if you just made out all the time. Especially to Jade. You guess he's right, but… he kissed Jade in front of you all the time. And before this morning, he didn't have any problem kissing you when Jade wasn't around. In fact, you're pretty sure he and Jade have done… _that_ at school before. The thought alone makes you blush. Beck notices and asks what you're thinking of.

"Doing it…" The words come out before you can censor yourself. Beck looks at you with eyebrows raised. You try to correct yourself: "I mean, you and Jade… did it, right?" He nods slowly. You gulp. "OK."

"…What about it?" he asks after a moment of silence. "Do you… want to?" You feel like your heart just skipped a beat. You hadn't really thought about actually having sex yourself. You knew other people did it, sure, but you didn't think you would be doing it. Not yet, anyway. On the other hand, Beck doesn't want to kiss you anymore. Maybe you need to show him how much you love him.

You bite your lip and nod. Beck is surprised, but he still takes you to his RV. Once there, he asks if you're sure. You aren't, but you say you are anyway. Then he kisses you. Then he slowly takes off your clothes, and his too. Every step he takes, he gives you a way out. "Can I touch you there? Can I take this off? Does this feel good?" Every time, you say 'yes'. When it comes to that moment, he asks you one more time if you're really sure. You nod and he pushes in.

It hurts. Beck is as gentle as possible, but it still hurts. Once he's all the way in you, he stops moving and gives you time to adjust. The pain is slowly fading, and then it hits you. You're having sex. You've been dating Beck for two weeks and you're already having sex. You're not ready for this. You don't want this. But it's too late to say 'no' now. So when the pain is gone, you tell Beck that he can continue. He does, gently and slowly, and although it feels good, it doesn't feel right.

The next day, Beck still doesn't want to kiss you during class. You can almost feel your heart breaking. You gave him… _that_, and he still doesn't love you enough to stop caring what the teacher thinks. This time you're unable to hold back the tears, so you storm out of class and cry on the stairway in the main hall. Once you're done crying about Beck not loving you, you cry about losing your virginity. You wanted to give it to someone special, someone you truly loved and who truly loved you back. Instead, you gave it to someone you truly loved to make him truly love you back. It didn't work. You wasted it. Now you'll never get to give it to the right person.

A hand touches your knee. You think it's Beck, but the hand is too slim and pale to be Beck's. Also, you're pretty sure Beck doesn't wear black nail polish.

_Jade._

"What. Did. He. Do." You flinch at the harshness in her voice. When you and Beck started going out, Jade yelled at you and said she wasn't your friend anymore. But now she's here and her hand is on your knee and she's asking you what's wrong, so you tell her everything. When you get to the part where he sleeps with you, Jade jumps up. "I'm going to kill him. I'm going to fucking kill him!" You try to hold her back, but she shakes you off. "Dump him. The bastard doesn't deserve you." With that, she storms back into the classroom, leaving you all by yourself.

Perhaps Jade wasn't entirely unbiased when it came to Beck. Perhaps you should have thought about it more, waited until it hurts less and given him a chance to explain. And perhaps you yourself were to blame for some of this. Those considerations don't come to mind right now. The next time you see Beck, you tell him that the two of you are done and run home, crying all the way.

You lock yourself in your room, sit on the bed with your knees pulled to your chin and try to ignore the sound of the phone. The bright colours all around you seem like a mockery of the sadness you're feeling, so you close your eyes and curl up. The phone eventually stops ringing. To you, it means that Beck gave up. He accepted it. It's truly over now.

* * *

"Hey kiddo."

"Oh… hey Beck."

"Why so down?"

"I've been… thinking."

"About?"

"Nothing."

"You know you can talk to me if you want to, right?"

"Yeah. But I think I'd rather be alone right now."

"…Are you OK, Cat?"

"I'm fine. Really."

"Alright. See you later."

"Bye…"

* * *

**A/N: This... this is going to be angsty. There's six main characters besides Cat, so six more chapters. None of them will be any happier than this one.**

**Reviews are appreciated.**


	2. Impatient

You've had a crush on Tori from the moment you first saw her. Music has always been important to you: you love to sing, but you love hearing people sing even more. Your first impression of Tori was the way she performed _Make It Shine_, and she did really well, so of course you fell in love with her. Your therapist says that falling in love with someone over a first impression is bad, but your therapist is also single, so you don't think she really knows that much about relationships. Besides, you still liked Tori the second time you saw her. And the third and the fourth and the fifth and every time after that. You think she might like you too, but you aren't sure and you don't want to risk losing her as a friend, so you keep quiet and think about her instead of asking her out like you want to.

Sometimes, though, your thoughts aren't very happy. Sometimes you think about how you could do it wrong – how you _would_ do it wrong. Those thoughts are much more frequent then they used to be. It's like a person lives in your head and that person is mean and wants you to be sad. That person usually succeeds. That person is there right now, telling you how Tori and you wouldn't work. You try to make that person go away, but you can't stop yourself from listening…

* * *

_You got to visit the circus yesterday!_ It's one of the few coherent thoughts you're capable of right now. In fact, there's only one other: when you'll get to tell Tori about how you got to visit the circus yesterday. You've always loved the circus, but this time was extra amazing. There were tigers and elephants and even a snake! Tori once told you that she doesn't like snakes, but this one was really cute and it could do tricks! If Tori had seen the snake you saw yesterday, she would like them. You wonder what your life would be like if you were a snake. You'd probably want to be a circus snake… and Tori could be your handler! Except she doesn't like snakes, but you'd be Cat the snake, so Tori would make an exception for you.

"Hey there, babeh," someone says behind you. You were never very good at matching voices with the people they belong to, but you could recognise this one anywhere. You spin 540 degrees and fall into Tori's arms. She stumbles a little under your weight, but manages to not drop you. You wouldn't like being dropped. You do like being kissed, though, which is exactly what Tori is doing to you right now. There was something you had to tell her… Your mind isn't very good at processing more than one thing. Tori's lips have taken up all your thought capacity. But that's all right… You like kissing better than talking anyway.

"Get a room," Jade says in passing. You giggle into the kiss, thinking about what you would do if you were alone with Tori in a room; it would be more than just kissing. The memories of last time make your face burn; Tori notices, grins proudly and kisses your red cheeks.

"That'll have to hold you over for a while… André and I need to copy homework now," she says with a wink. You nod, still distracted by the mental image of her body laying before you, her core exposed and her face pleading… The way she felt around your fingers, the way she whimpered and whispered your name… And after that, her fingers inside of you… How can she just go copy André's homework knowing how _that_ feels? Maybe it's because your mind can only handle one active line at a time, but you're pretty sure you wouldn't get any work done as long as it's on your mind.

Then you remember the circus, and Tori's fingers are all but forgotten.

"Tori! Tori-Tori-Tori-Tori!" You do see her sigh, but you don't actually notice it. "I forgot to tell you, I went to the circus yesterday!"

"Yeah… Um, can it wait?" You feel confused. Of course it can't wait. It's the circus! Everybody loves the circus, and it's a lot more exciting than that boring homework. You didn't even do it, but you're not worrying about it, now are you?

"There were tigers! And they had elephants! They were really big!" André rolls his eyes. Again, you don't register it. Tori looks like she wants to say something; you talk faster so that you'll be done sooner. "And there was a snake! Oh my god, Tori, you should've seen it! This lady tossed something up, and the snake jumped and snatched it right out of the air!" You jump and bite into the air, demonstrating what the snake did. Tori puts a hand on your forearm. It feels nice… "If I were a snake, would you be my handler?"

"…I don't like snakes." Your excitement disappears in an instant, to be replaced by a cold stone in your stomach. Everything feels cold: your skin, the air you breathe in, even your mind. Tori's words… they sting. They hurt like nothing has ever hurt you before. Your reaction is both predictable and unexpected.

"_What's that supposed to mean!_" The words come out before you even think about them. André and Tori exchange a look, which once again escapes your conscious perception.

"Nothing… It's just, I'm scared of snakes…" It still doesn't make sense to you. You'd be a really good snake! You would never do anything to scare Tori. When the show was done, that lady in the circus hugged her snake, and the snake didn't do anything. If Tori hugged you, you wouldn't do anything to her. You once read a story about a farmer and a viper, where the viper bit the farmer hugging it. You wouldn't be like that viper. You'd be a nice snake.

"I'm not a viper, Tori!"

"Cat… I love you, but I'm trying to work here. Please, just… be quiet for half an hour. Or longer." You think this is what getting stabbed feels like. Tears begin to form in your eyes. A blurry André nudges a blurry Tori, who sighs, gets up and walks towards you. You don't listen to what she says. You don't give her a chance to reach you. You run from the pain. You run from Tori, before she can hurt you more.

She's not wearing heels, though, and her legs are longer. When she catches up to you, she grabs you by the shoulders and turns you around so that you face her. You look away: anywhere but her eyes. You don't care about what she has to say. She hurt you, and now she's going to hurt you again.

"Cat, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." You give a sobbing hiccup. You don't believe her. If she didn't mean it… why did she say it? You don't like it when people say things they don't mean. It confuses you, makes you feel like you were lied to, and… it hurts you. It hurts even more than if she had meant it, because she knows you're sensitive, and why would she say things that hurt you if she doesn't mean them? Does she _want_ to hurt you? But she's saying she's sorry and that you'd make a lovely snake and that she loves you, so you forgive her. She smiles, relieved. You fake a smile, wishing this weren't the fifteenth time you have to do it. The ice cream she buys you doesn't taste half as good as it should. The sunshine seems less bright. Jade seems meaner… Fifteen times now, the world just wasn't a place you wanted to be.

There's a sixteenth and a seventeenth time.

You don't give her an eighteenth chance.

* * *

"Tori…?"

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Do you… do you like me?"

"Huh? Of course I like you. You're like my best friend."

"I mean… Do you _like_ me?"

"Wh– Um… Why do you ask?"

"Oh. Just… wondering."

"Wait… do _you_ like _me_ that way?"

"Yes… But don't worry about it. I… I'll stop."

"No, Cat, it's OK! I'm just… a little surprised, that's all."

"…So could you like me? One day?"

"I–I don't think so. I mean… I'm straight…"

"Oh… OK."

"I'm sorry…"

"No, it's… it's alright."

"Are you sure? You seem pretty down…"

"I'll be fine. I'll just… go somewhere."

"Cat…"

"Bye…"

* * *

**A/N: The first and third parts of each chapter... Trust me, I'm going somewhere with it xP**


	3. Awkward

Robbie has been your friend for as long as you can remember. You sometimes feel like he's the only one you can just talk with: he's your best guy friend, and probably the only person you never really flirt with. When he takes you to a play or a restaurant or anything like that, it never means anything other than that you're friends with him. You like that about him. He never hits on you or treats you disrespectfully. He sometimes looks at your boobs, but… well, at least he tries to do it discretely. Rex always stares openly. And one time, you caught the two of them talking about how good your legs looked. More than once since then, you've worn miniskirts to school just to tease him.

Maybe that's where love can really grow… From friendship. Not that you don't love him already – you do, just not that way. You think you could grow to love him that way, though. And if not, then you could always just re-adjust your definition of love…

The voice in your head will have none of it. It lets you dream and fantasise for a few days, and then it comes back with a sing-song voice and taunts you. When you first hear it, you close your eyes and clamp your hands over your ears, but it's in your head, so that doesn't work. It just makes the voice laugh at you. And then, as always, it gives its prediction. You don't want to listen, but you can't stop yourself from hearing it.

* * *

"Cat? Ca-at? Oh, Trina, have you seen Cat? …Trina? Oh, OK, you're busy, I'll um… ask someone else." You hear Robbie searching for you and giggle to yourself, but not out loud, because then he might find you. You want to see how long it'll take him. When you were little, your brother once told you a story about a boy and a girl who were in love, but the girl was kidnapped by an evil witch and then the boy found her because he loved her. You know it's not a great story, and that 'love' isn't some kind of universal solution, but you can't help but find it romantic. That, and your brother is a really good storyteller: he does voices and motions and sometimes he even draws a background. Anyway, if Robbie finds you, it'll prove that he loves you. Not because there's a direct relation, but because he cares enough to keep searching.

"She's probably just hiding from you. Can't blame her." You suppress another giggle. Ever since you started dating Robbie, Rex has been nicer to you. Not a _lot_ nicer, but at least he seems to like you now. More than that, though, he understands you. How you work. Robbie doesn't always know what to say, but Rex knows exactly how to calm you down when you're upset, or how to cheer you up when you're feeling down. You're glad he's around.

"Robbie!" That's Jade's voice. She sounds angry. But then again, she always does. You make a mental note to hug her when you come out of your hiding spot. Hugs always cheer you up. "Where's Cat?"

"I don't know… I'm looking for her too. Hey, maybe we can search together!" And so your prince recruits his second search partner: the Tin Girl. You read _The Wizard of Oz_, so you know that Jade does have a heart all along. Rex also has a brain and Robbie can just click his heels three times to teleport to where you are. Like in _Star Trek_. You suddenly realise you're humming that show's theme song and stop, but it's too late. The door to the janitor's closet is opened, and… it's Jade.

You do give her the hug she wanted, but are also a little disappointed that it's her. You wanted it to be Robbie. Now the story's ending is all wrong.

"Cat! Hey, I'm not kidding here. Let me go or I swear I will hurt you." Jade would never hurt you – well, unless she's acting – but you let go anyway. Maybe she only likes hugs when nobody is around. "Ugh… Listen, we need to rehearse _Death by Fire_. You coming?"

"Oh… That was today?" You always forget your appointments. Jade rolls her eyes and nods. You bite your lip and look for Robbie; he's standing about three metres away, keeping himself out of the conversation and apparently discussing something with Rex. "Robbie!" He looks up at you. "Um… I have to go with Jade. I promised her we'd rehearse our play today."

"Your play?"

"Well… Jade's play. _Death by Fire_." You're pretty sure you told him about that… Maybe he forgot. Or maybe you didn't tell him. Your memory isn't the best either.

"Oh, well… that's okay. We can go out some other time." He seems really disappointed. You feel guilty. Rex looks disappointed as well, but that's probably because he likes watching you and Robbie make out. You know because he told you once. You don't really feel guilty for him. Then you have the best idea ever.

"You can come watch! Right, Jade?" You smile your brightest smile at her – nobody could say no to you when you give them that look.

"Yeah, whatever. And stop grinning at me like that." It worked!

"Oh, um… yeah. That sounds good. Where are you rehearsing?"

"In the… the… Jade?"

"Room 107. We start in… seven minutes."

"Room 107!"

"Alright! I'll be there!" You smile at him and go over to peck him on the lips. He doesn't close the rest of the distance, though, and Jade pulls you away by the wrist before you can lean in further. You blow him a kiss instead. He doesn't do the same thing; he just stands there looking around for somewhere to go. You think he should come with you so you can kiss him properly for six minutes, but Jade clasps her hand over your mouth before you can shout that at him. Robbie takes a step in your direction, then stops when somebody calls his name. The last thing you see before being taken upstairs is Robbie talking to Beck.

Five minutes later, Robbie isn't in room 107 yet.

After ten minutes, he still isn't.

Half an hour after that, there's still no sign of him.

You later learn that Beck asked him to help with some homework, and he couldn't say no. You understand and forgive him immediately – after all, you'd forgotten about your date altogether. However, you never do get to catch up on it. Robbie somehow always has other plans, and when he doesn't, you do. Maybe it's poor planning; maybe he does it on purpose. You can't tell for sure, but you suspect the latter.

Eventually, he stops calling you for your evening chats. You continue through text, but he stops responding to those as well. You try to make him talk to you about whatever's bothering him, but you can never get him to be alone with you. Hence, you never find out what's going on in that curly head of his.

Three days later, when Sinjin asks if you're single yet, you can't bring yourself to say that you're still dating Robbie.

He doesn't respond to your break-up text, either.

* * *

"Cat! Over here!"

"Does she _have_ to sit here?"

"Yes! And be nice to her. She's been down."

"Wah wah waaah. Just give it five minutes."

"Hush… Hey Cat. You feeling OK?"

"Yeah!"

"…Are… you sure? 'Cause, Beck told me you seemed a little gloomy recently and–"

"I'm better now!"

"Told'ya…"

"Well… If you ever feel bad, you can talk me to me. You know that, right?"

"Don't worry. I have a trick to make it go away!"

"Oh… OK then."

"Oh, gotta go! Bye Robbie! Bye Rex!"

"Girl's got issues."

"She's nice…"

"Get over her, man. You got friendzone'd."

"That's not a word."

"And that's why you'll never have a girlfriend. Especially not her."

"Forgot my purse! You guys seen it?"

"You're… you're holding it in your hand."

"Oh! Heehee, I am… well, bye!"

"Told'ya she had issues."

"Oh, hush…"

* * *

**A/N: I knew in advance that the Cabbie chapter would be the most difficult... Not even because I can't think of a reason why they wouldn't work, but I just have trouble picturing them together in the first place. You've probably guessed already, but Robbie in this fic feels the same way, which is what led to the 'break-up'.**

**If you hadn't guessed that, I fail at writing. Please leave a review to help me get better =)**


	4. Selfish

Trina… you've never had any illusions about Trina. Yes, she's very attractive. And yes, she's friendly to you for the most part. You two get along, and it could definitely lead to kissing. A while ago, you may have automatically associated kissing with love, but… not anymore. Love and kissing are not the same thing. You can have one without the other. It's the same way with sex. You know that now. You were so naïve, but the voice taught you how the world really works.

You look at your arm. You used to think that the voice was wrong, but now it's written on your body: _UNFIT FOR LOVE_, in small red letters. You did one letter every day… It hurt too much to do two consecutive letters. The voice was very patient and understanding about it, though. It talked you through it, encouraged you as the blade went into your skin, and comforted you when you became aware of the pain. It also made sure you carved the next letter, telling you that it wouldn't hurt as much as last time… You did get used to it. The voice never lies.

And now that it has proven you're unfit for love, it has begun convincing you that you couldn't even be a fu–… a fuckbuddy. The mere word makes you cringe; the voice laughs at your immaturity and repeats it, over and over and over… It's like the beat to a song, pounding into your mind until you're numb. You're kind of grateful, really: numbness is a welcome change from the disappointment and self-loathing you've felt for the past weeks.

Of course, those feelings are brought back soon enough. After Robbie, the voice had focussed on the writing in your arm, but now its sights are set on Trina. And though you never thought you and Trina would actually work, the voice still manages to take your hopes and crush them.

* * *

When you're with Trina, it's like the two of you are quenching an insatiable thirst. She's the coolest, clearest water, and you drink as much of her as you can, not knowing how long it will be until you can next satisfy that primal need. Trina usually has her fingers tangled in your hair, unwilling and unable to let go, pressing you into her as if she can't afford to go without you for even a second. When you aren't with her, like right now, you think about how nice it is to feel that wanted, and how good it feels when _she_ puts her head between _your_ legs. That doesn't happen very often, but just feeling wanted is usually enough for you.

You used to be such a child… a little girl, blissful in ignorance, so easily pleased by little, meaningless things. It has become difficult to find enjoyment in those things nowadays, but Trina gave you something even better: adult pleasure.

"…and then, when she was done shivering, she stroked my hair and called me Kit-Kat!" you say. Jade's sitting on her bed, reading a magazine about tattoos, but you know she's paying attention. "And, and, she also said that nobody she's done it with before is as good as me!" You can't help the prideful grin that creeps onto your face. Being good at something, regardless of what, is one of the best feelings in the world.

Jade looks up from her magazine, one of her eyebrows quirked. "And how many people do you think Trina has fucked?" she asks. You cringe a little. You've matured, certainly, but you're still a little uncomfortable with naughty words. Especially 'fucking'. It's not really what you and Trina do. You know it isn't making love either, but there has to be some kind of middle ground. As for how many people Trina has slept with before you… you've never really thought of that. She's with you now; that's all that really matters.

"I don't know… at least one?" Trina told you she wasn't a virgin the first time she took you upstairs, so she has to have had sex before.

"Right. Let me tell you, girls like Trina have more than one ex." You're afraid of what Jade is going to say. It's not going to be something you'll like to hear, and it won't be a joke either. You can tell by her voice and the way she looks straight at you. Even more telling than those things, though, is the look in her eyes: it's almost apologetic. Almost. "And she probably told every one of them the same thing she told you. You're just a toy to her, Cat."

"What's that supposed to mean!" It comes out almost instinctively. Jade shrugs and returns to her magazine. You wish you could simply leave it at that outburst and forget about it, like you used to. You're not a child anymore, though, and you're forced to think about what Jade said. The more you do so, the more you become convinced that she might be right. But even if it's true, is it a bad thing? Wouldn't Trina be just as much of a toy to you as you are to her?

You know she isn't, but it's something you can tell yourself until you get clarity.

When Jade drops you off at your house, you're able to wait twelve seconds before grabbing your phone and dialling Trina's number. In your mind, Trina hears the special ringtone that she set for you, and immediately rushes to pick up the phone. In reality, you get her voicemail. It's a symbol even you should be able to figure out, but you ignore it and try again five minutes later. This time, Trina does pick up.

"Hey Cat," she says sleepily. Suddenly it makes sense: she didn't answer earlier because she was having her beauty sleep.

"Oh… did I wake you?" you ask.

"Yeah. No worries, though. I overslept anyway. So what'cha need?"

"I, um…" You pause, suddenly feeling very insecure. You know the question you want to ask, but the possibility of a bad answer scares you. Thus, instead of asking what you wanted to, you decide to delay the problem. "Can I come over tonight?" Trina won't refuse. You heard from Tori that their parents were going to a drawing/modelling class, and that Tori herself had plans with André. The house should be empty.

"Mh, sure… can you be here in thirty minutes? I'll get ready." With that, Trina hangs up the phone. You spend ten minutes worrying and playing out scenarios in your mind, then get on your bicycle and head for the Vega residence.

Trina lets you in, you exchange the polite greetings, and she immediately leads you to the couch. You see what she meant by 'getting ready': some light make-up and bust-accentuating lingerie on her; dimmed lights and smooth jazz filling the room. It's all very distracting, and when she touches your thighs, you quickly forget what you came here for.

From that moment on, you don't get much of chance to really talk with Trina. Not about important things, anyway. You can chat with her, but when you try to bring up the thing Jade warned you about, she starts touching you and you really don't want her to stop. Slowly but surely, you stop believing that Trina is just a toy to you as well: even you can't lie to yourself for that long. It raises the question of what she _is_ to you, if not a toy and not a lover. A friend, maybe, but the butterflies in your stomach say otherwise.

"I love you." You're snuggling up to Trina, still naked and sweaty, and it comes out before you can stop it. Trina just laughs at first, but when she sees that you aren't laughing, her expression turns serious.

"Cat… I thought you knew this is just sex?" It's like you feared. "I'm not looking for a girlfriend. It'd hurt my rep if people thought I'm gay."

"But…?" How can she do those things to you if she isn't gay? "We… we 'did it' so much…"

"Yeah, 'cause it feels good!" She grins, though the smile doesn't reach her eyes. "But that doesn't mean I'm in love with you or anything… we talked about that." You cast your eyes to the ground, unable to maintain eye contact. Her look of pity hurts… it's worse than if she'd hated you. You two might have worked if there had been feelings; that knowledge really stings. "Look, Cat… I like you, but I don't want a girlfriend."

She's right… of course she is. She said at the start that there would be no feelings, and you agreed to it. You should have known it wasn't a promise you'd be able to keep. "So… what do we do?" you ask.

"Well…" And then she kisses you. It's the last thing you expected, but you accept it eagerly. You can't have her heart, but you can have the rest of her, and that's something you'll gladly take: it may not be what you wanted, but it's better than nothing. That, and it gives Trina what she wants… it's still good to feel wanted.

Every time she touches you, though, the absence of her heart stabs its way deeper into yours. Soon enough, you're crying afterwards every time. Trina never notices: you keep the tears inside until you're alone in your room. A week later, you come to realise something. It's the childish part of you that cries. The part that just can't separate the physical from the emotional. The part that ruined what you had with Trina. You hate that part. You hate it and everything that keeps it alive.

The stuffed animals are the first things to go. They're no longer Mr. Longneck or Ms. Hairybun, but 'that stupid giraffe' and 'the dumb rabbit'. Next are the posters and anything pink. Your collection of Happy Meal toys – most of it merchandise for Disney movies – is smashed, crushed or snapped in half. And after all that, the childish part cries about losing them.

You can't just let it die. No passive euthanasia – removing what keeps it alive isn't enough. You have to kill it. And so you end up on the phone with Trina, determined to leave that part of you behind once and for all.

"Trina?" Your voice trembles a little, and you're sure Trina can hear it. You don't care. If you say it, that part of you will be gone. "I need you here. To f… to fu…" Your voice breaks and tears come spilling out as that despised part takes control.

"I love you… please. I-I just need you here, Trina. Please hold me. I'm scared…"

Two sounds signify how you failed. The first is your uncontrollable sobbing: you're still nothing but an emotional, dramatic child. The second is the Trina's voice:

"Cat… You know I can't be that person."

_Click. Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep._

* * *

"Come on and shake that b… booty."

"Huh? Whoa, Cat…! What happened to you?"

"What?"

"You were gone for two weeks… and your hair's all… when was the last time you dyed it?"

"I don't like that colour anymore."

"Yeah, OK, but that doesn't mean you should just negl–…"

"What's wrong?"

"Why are you scratching your arm so much?"

"No reason."

"And why the long sleeves…?"

"No reason!"

"Cat…"

"It's nothing!"

"Cat!"

"Leave me alone!"

"I'm getting Jade…"

"No!"

"Yes! Something's wrong with you!"

"I know that!"

"Cat, are you…? Jade! Jade, over here!"

* * *

**A/N: We're nearing the conclusion. And ho boy, I don't know if I can make this into a happy ending anymore.**

**Angst shouldn't have a happy ending, though, so that works.**

**Now... Cat/Trina is probably my favourite Victorious ship. Not because I think it could happen, but because there's quite a lot of potential for humour fics. It's good to explore the other side for a change, though.**

**There's a nifty little button down below. You should click it and let me know what you thought =)**


	5. Possessive

_Jade loves you, y'know?_

The voice says it so casually, so off-hand, that you don't even realise it at first. Trina's busy talking to Jade a few steps away, and you think you should take the opportunity to run away while you still can, but– Jade loves you? You've always had a pretty big crush on Jade, but she said that she was with Beck and couldn't be with you. But if the voice is right, then… you can be loved. So why the writing on your arm?

_Just think back. Has she been supportive of you dating the others? She hasn't… because she was jealous. She wants you._

There are a few things the voice doesn't answer – where that leaves Beck, for example – but those things don't matter: you just want to hear more about how Jade could love you. She's coming your way now… You give her your brightest smile. She doesn't return it. You suddenly feel very cold in your stomach; even moreso when the voice starts laughing slowly. Your smile falters and your eyes begin to sting.

_Oh yes… she loves you. But you'd just fuck it up._

You run. You hide. You need to get away from Jade, from the voice. Of course it's futile. The voice is with you, and Jade isn't going to let you get away. But just before she finds you, the voice tells you about the relationship between you and her. Or rather, about what you'd do wrong. How you'd mess– no, how you'd fuck it up, like you always do.

* * *

"Can I get strawberry?" you ask, clinging to Jade to stop yourself from running ahead to the ice cream shop.

"Yeah, sure," Jade answers, giving you one of her increasingly common smiles.

"No, wait, I want pineapple!"

"…I don't think they have that flavour, Cat."

"Aw…"

"Maybe they have a suggestion box? You should think of flavours you want them to introduce."

You giggle and dedicate your thoughts to exactly that. Jade gives another smile and puts her arm around you tighter for the final block, until you arrive at '_Marcos Mochi Ice Cream'_. It's a new place, not far from school, and Jade had wanted to check it out. Since you'd been asking her out on a real date for a while now, Jade figured she'd kill two birds with one stone. Or so she said. Jade is always honest with you. You like that about her. She could be hurtful sometimes, but at least she's only very rarely confusing.

You have a seat and a cute – _very cute_ – waiter brings you and Jade your menus. You give him the smile you'd practiced in the mirror last night; designed to make hearts jump and shirts come off. That didn't happen, but his eyes did linger on you a little longer than they did on Jade, so the smile had some effect. Or maybe he just liked redheads. Either way, you could totally have gotten his number if you'd wanted to, which was a neat little ego boost.

As he goes to serve another customer, you look back at Jade, who is still staring at the waiter. Not admiring his butt – which would have been totally understandable – but trying to prove that looks _can_ kill. Fortunately the waiter survives, and he even turns his head towards you briefly when he heads into the kitchen. When he disappears from sight, Jade turns her eyes towards you.

"You were flirting with him!" she whispers sharply, being as loud as possible without letting people at other tables hear. "Unbelievable. Our first date and you're more interested in some guy!" You don't get why she's so upset – it's just flirting. Harmless fun. It's not like you'd kiss him… well, not as long as you're dating Jade. But she's still angry: "I mean, what am I supposed to think of that? How am I supposed to trust you when you go off alone somewhere? You're worse than Beck, I swear!"

"But you're cheating on Beck…" you say. You're not trying to judge her or make her feel bad: you're just stating a fact and expressing your confusion – one of the very rare times. Considering what she's doing, she really shouldn't be yelling at you. And sure enough, she quickly stops talking, her body tensing up. People at the adjacent table start whispering, having heard you, until a glare from Jade silences them.

"I know that," she says softly, the anger gone. Something else has snuck into her voice, though… guilt? "And I'll tell him. Soon. But that doesn't make it right for you to cheat on me. It's wrong for me to do it, so it's wrong for you as well."

"But I'm not chea–"

"I know. Just… let's order, okay?"

As it turns out, they do in fact have pineapple. Any further attempts at flirting by that cute waiter are ignored, mostly because the ice cream is just so good. You have a hard enough time hearing what Jade says, let alone what some random boy is trying to get across. Eventually he backs off, discouraged by your lack of attention and Jade's 'back off or you won't wake up tomorrow' glare. After you finish, you try to order seconds, but Jade pulls you out of the restaurant before you can get the waiter's attention back, leaving just enough money at the counter to pay the bill. You put a small tip on top of it – he _was_ cute.

Jade puts an arm around you and walks you home. She walks in after you as you open the front door. And when she makes sure there's nobody home, she leads you to your bedroom. The next day, you have her marks on your neck, visible to anyone whose gaze falls below your eyes. The horny teenagers' version of a wedding ring. You're not allowed to mark her, though – Beck would wonder where they came from. It seems unfair, but Jade promised that she'll break up with him. Soon.

It takes two months for her to actually do it. During those months, she gets stricter and stricter: she tries to forbid you from seeing attractive friends, male or female, without her there to make sure nothing goes on. With Beck's help – "No hard feelings, kiddo. I kinda saw it coming." – you manage to escape from her watchful eye every now and again, but you still feel trapped, and it gets worse every time she finds out and yells at you. You need an outlet.

Beck is reluctant at first, and he's probably right to be. Jade could find out. And it feels wrong. But being cheated on for several months does have an impact on one's moral compass, and your arguments do make sense, so he eventually gives in. As for you… you try not to think about right or wrong too much. It's a necessary evil: either you do this, or you break up with Jade. Even an optimist like you couldn't fool yourself into thinking it could work out another way.

Jade doesn't see it that way when she finds out. She tells you and Beck to start running and leaves the room. You initially try to follow her, but Beck grabs you by the arm and tells you that you really do need to run. The sheer panic in his voice convinces you: you've never seen Beck panic before. The two of you run away, and are almost out of the parking lot when you hear Jade exit behind you.

You hear a loud bang, as if a door is slammed. Beck grabs his leg and falls. You turn around to help him up, but then you hear another bang, and a mere second later, you feel a sharp pain in your chest. Looking down, you see a bloodstain beginning to spread on your shirt. Another bang. Then everything goes black.

* * *

"No… you're lying!"

"Cat?"

"She-she would never…!"

"Cat."

"Jade! Tell him… tell him you wouldn't do that…"

"Cat! Calm down and tell me what's going on! Who do you mean by 'him'?"

"He's lying…"

"What wouldn't I do!"

"…But he never lies."

"Cat…?"

"Get away from me!"

"Cat, what the fu–"

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"Wait! Oh, fuck… Cat, wait!"

* * *

**A/N: ...In case it wasn't clear, Cat's kind of insane in this fic.**

**But I hope that _was_ clear.**

**If it wasn't, review and tell me how I should've made it more obvious~**


	6. Alive

You need to get away from Jade. From Trina, and your other friends, and Hollywood Arts as a whole. You run until a pang shoots through your chest, and you briefly panic, reminded of the voice's story from earlier. He calms you down, explaining that it's just from the physical exertion. You sit on the sidewalk and take deep breaths until the pain fades, then look around. The neighbourhood is unfamiliar, and you don't recognise the street name. An elderly man shuffles by, but when you ask him for directions, he just glances at you suspiciously and moves along. You keep looking at him until he turns a corner, at which point you realise that you're completely alone out here. Nobody is out on the streets, the blinds are all shut, there is no traffic… It's deserted.

Except for you. You, and the voice.

_Of course you're alone. What, you think anyone would follow you out here? They're not going to make that commitment. They don't give a fuck about you. They hate you._

That can't be true… can it? They're your friends. Why would they hang out with you if they hate you?

_Oh, sure, they tolerate you. It's just pity. They know you wouldn't fit in anywhere, so they let you hang around them and ignore your stupid rambling. You should hear them when you're not around… Half the time they're making fun of you._

You want it to be a lie, but it sounds possible. You're already unloveable; why not unlikeable too?

"Cat! Here you are…" It's André. You turn around; part of you is happy to see him, but the enthusiasm is tempered by your new knowledge. "Jade told us what happened… we were worried about you, Cat."

"Worried about… me?" That sounds like they care…

_NO!_ You freeze. The voice had always been distinct, but now it's a perfect copy of Jade's. When it continues, it's back to normal, but that single moment made the hairs on your skin rise. _He's lying! You need to get away from him!_

"You guys care about me?" you ask, voice soft and shaky.

André frowns in confusion. "Of course we care about you. You're our friend, Cat."

"So… you, you love me?" A choked sob comes out at the end of the sentence, and then André is next to you and pulls you into a hug.

"Of course we love you, Lil' Red. What made you think we didn't?"

_He lies! It's all lies!_

"…There's a voice. He– no, it – it has been telling that you don't. That I couldn't be loved. And I believed… it was so convincing." The tears come out now, and you lean into André's chest. He just holds you. You stand like that for the next ten minutes, his arms around you as you sob into his shirt. It's hard to think of the voice as a liar, but André seems to sincere…

When you calm down, he leads you to his car. You sit in the passenger seat and André gets behind the wheel. He makes a quick call to someone, telling them that he found you and that you're OK, then drives you to your house. There's already a car there, which you recognise as Beck's. When you enter, you're greeted by hugs (even from Jade) and everyone telling you how glad they are that you're OK.

Your parents probably won't come home tonight (they rarely do nowadays), so Tori offers to sleep over and keep an eye on you. You accept. Together, you and she wave goodbye to your other friends. André lingers the longest, gives you a hug and whispers that it's all going to be OK. You smile brightly and nod.

You and Tori heat up a frozen pizza, eat it together, watch a movie out of your collection and eventually get ready for bed. She showers first, changing into her pyjamas in the bathroom, then it's your turn. The moment you shut the lock on the bathroom door, you realise that for the first time since André found you, you're alone again. And that's when the voice returns, cold and collected.

_Oh, you think you're smart, huh? You think you outwitted me? Well, none of them are gonna be with you. Not André, either. And you wanna know why?_

"Shut up." You say it calmly, holding back your anger. "I _don't_ want to hear it. I don't want to hear _you_. Go away."

Tori knocks on the door. "Cat… who are you talking to?"

"It's OK, Tori. I didn't mean you. Everything's fine." It's not, and you know it, but you're confident that it will be fine soon. The voice disagrees.

_You can't make me go away. I'm part of you._

"You're not even real. I can ignore you." You immediately prove it: the voice protests, but you push it to the background, overpower it with positive thoughts, hide it behind a wall of sugar and rainbows. Satisfied, you fill up the bathtub. Your legs are a little sore from the run earlier, and some relaxation seems like exactly what you need. The voice continues to pound at the inside of your head, but you still refuse to listen, and it eventually dies down.

You lower yourself into the water. The water is hot, perhaps a bit too much so, but you get in anyway. It'll cool down soon enough, and you like the way it makes your skin tingle. You rest your head against the back of the tub, close your eyes and exhale softly. The etching in your arm, the memory of your feelings from just this afternoon, the voice's stories… they're all but forgotten, as if scorched away by the water.

_Don't you dare ignore me._

Something pushes down on your chest. Your eyes fly open, but your head goes under and you're forced to close them again. You grab the edge of the tub and try to pull yourself back above the surface. It's no use: whatever is pushing on your chest is stronger than you. Already, you feel your lungs starting to burn. The instinct to breathe overpowers your sense of surrounding, and you inhale mouthfuls of water.

_Ignore me, huh? I'm not real?_

You can feel that you don't have much time left. Even though your eyes are closed, indescribable colours dance before you. Your sense of touch, the water around you and the burning in your lungs, is starting to fade. Your grip on the bathtub loosens, and your arms fall limply into the water. You swat weakly through the water, at the force on your chest, but nothing is there. Oddly enough, that calms you. You know it's just in your mind. When your mind gives out, you'll come up again. Inhaling water must have done some damage, but you might still survive if they find you fast enough.

Just before you drift off into unconsciousness, you are vaguely aware of your body rising. But even though its control on your body has faded, the voice joins you in the blackness.

_Almost there. Just one more._

* * *

You lay in a coffin. Someone may see a faint sliver of light from a crack in the lid, or feel the single rose in their hands. You do not.

Your parents are the first to speak. During their speech, your brother walks up to your coffin and puts his arms around it, weeping softly. When your mother finishes speaking, your father leads your brother back to their seats, Mrs. Valentine following behind them. Your grandmother is next. Then there's Jade, and Robbie, and Tori… all your friends speak highly of you. If only you could hear them.

André goes last. He confesses that he has always had feelings for you, and that he regrets not acting on them. You had always been so full of life, so active, fluttering from place to place… you intimidated him a little. He gets a small laugh out of the crowd by mentioning your active dating lives, and how you never seemed to be single at the same time – another obstacle, he calls it. And even though he knows it's too late, he takes the opportunity to finally tell you how he feels.

The ceremony ends to your favourite music. You can't enjoy it, of course. You died. Hit by a car, heart attack, fell off something high… honestly, does it matter how? You're dead, and in death, you are alone.

The fire awaits, Cat Valentine. And how you'll burn.

* * *

**END**


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